When you are single you are always on the lookout for opportunities to meet a person of the opposite sex. Random visits to Target for mundane products can become somewhat exciting by the 1% chance that you are going to see someone, have the guts to say hello and see if you can't win a chance to impress them (puffing up your chest and proving alpha maleness do not need apply). There are two types of guys out there; ones that use pickup lines and those who charm to get the attention of girls (really there are two types of people out there; ones that believe that there are two types of people and those that understand that is just ridiculous) .
I fall very deep into the "second category" and find that my random sense of sarcasm lands someone's attention far before I could win someone over a cliche line.
So tonight my parents drag me into my favorite store of all time; Wal-Mart. The first rule with Wal-Mart is always keep your head up because you never know what you are going to see. Rule two for the Arkansas based store is no matter what, never approach a girl in a Wal-Mart store. It doesn't matter if it is her first and only trip in or if she is there everyday, but you never go to Wal-Mart to look for females. Tonight was no different from any other visit and well there is the girl who has the cute face, you continue to look at her in her baggy ass sweatpants and you just think "seriously?". First off Rochester girls aren't known for their ability to dress well (sorry to those who still reside there) and then to top it off with the smells of mothballs that come with Wal-Mart and you might as well try you luck at the local retirement home.
My only regret for tonight is that I didn't wipe my phone out and capture some of locals in their Saturday evening outfits. These include:
1) Middle aged blonde woman (standing about 5'4") wearing the commonly used tank top layer look and she had her pink Razor phone jammed in her tank top between her breast and the strap of the shirt (who needs pockets?). This was a very classy look and I'm thinking the runways of Paris will be sporting this look come this fall. Function over form.
2) A father/son combination sporting camouflage from head to two. This included a baseball cap, t-shirt, and cargo shorts. If they weren't talking so loud, I think I would have ran into them as they just blended in with the surroundings.
3) A Nascar loving guy with his wife and three kids screaming "I can not find any Finesse, I can not find any Finesse". Maybe this one isn't so funny but the fact that I know the guy from High School sure makes this one funny to me.
I guess I can't tie the two subjects together and I really don't care. I haven't blogged for a while so this gives you kids something to read for three minutes.
-B.
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5 comments:
Sounds like you got the trifecta: breast-pocket, camo, nascar.
The only thing left out is the mullet
All I have to say is these are some sweet Pick Up Lines
Walmart is nothing more than a direct portal to hell. I had to go there on Father's Day because my mother was out of coffee and the Folger's she had festering in the canister on her counter was beyond stale.
First of all, the place is packed. I park and look up to see a leathery-skinned group of Mexicans doing some serious engine work on two cars. What the f---?!
I navigate my way to the coffee (Starbucks, pre-ground no less) and can't help but notice that I'm one of the very few people in the store that is skinny. I'm not talking fat here. I'm screaming fucking obese! And what are the buying? Junk!
I digress. I get in the "20 items or less" line and soon realize that the Mexican family (I'm going to get shit for this, but hey, it's true) in front of me—I'm talking entire extended family as well since there appears to be safety in numbers—must have interpreted the signed to read "No less than 20 items" because they had enough shit to sustain everyone for a solid week.
I finally pay for my coffee and high-tail it out of there. Oh, but it wasn't fast enough. I get caught behind to gear heads making small talk with a guy who is hunched over a shopping cart brimming with empty beer cans. "Dude that's a lot beer. I wanna hang out at your house." I'm thinking, hmm, maybe you two can also swap prison tattoo stories while you're at it.
This visit certainly topped my last visit (which I thought was my last) where I had to return something for my mom and wound up behind a latina trying to cash a "gubment" check, but it wouldn't go through. Did I also mention that she had on some spiffy new white sneakers? They really called attention to the ankle monitor on her right leg.
Still, nothing compares to the pig wrestling we saw in the dairy aisle at the Walmart in NC! That's a visual I never want to see again.
Tom,
I'm not going to touch your comment with a 10 foot pole.
-B.
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